


Home

by sonny (transzsasz)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bisexual Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Bisexual Rafael Barba, Demisexuality, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Nonbinary Character, One Shot, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Sonny needs a hug, and rafael gives him one, demisexual rafael barba, he feels so safe with barba, he/they sonny, i am struggling here to tag, sonny just wanted to find home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 03:08:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30082560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzsasz/pseuds/sonny
Summary: five times Sonny just wanted to find a home and the one time he actually did
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Home

**Author's Note:**

> this was just something that came to my head and i worked on it too long so take it

1.

  
Sonny looked around the small room he was in, it was plain but he could solve that with a few photos and posters he guessed. Everything seemed to be shades of white, he'd never seen so many shades of white before until he moved into the dorm, he didn't really care all that much because _holy shit,_ he was an adult now, he had his very first place and yes it counted, sure maybe it's not a house but it's the first time he's moved out of the family home and it made him feel a little proud; "Where should I put this?" Sonny turned towards the door where his dad was standing with another cardboard box of his stuff.

"Just leave it next to the bed," Sonny said, "Thanks dad, how many more is there left to bring in?"

"That's the last one son," His dad said, putting the box down near the foot of the bed and standing up straight, "Need any help unpacking any of this?"

"It's okay, you've done enough already, I really appreciate it."

"Any time, kid," His dad looked around the room, it felt more like a small studio apartment; two beds for when his roommate turns up, a small bathroom and a small kitchenette. There really wasn't a lot, the dorms looked better and bigger in the pictures but he was here now, he can't complain, "Your first place, huh? I remember the first time I moved, out of the family home and into a little place that was my own, did my best to make it feel like home."

"Did it work?" His dad shook his head.

"Not really, it was mine but it wasn't home," His dad sat on the bed that Sonny had claimed, "No place really felt like home until I met your mother."

"That's... actually really sweet, you feeling okay Pa?" Sonny asked, his dad just laughed and pat the space on the bed beside him; Sonny sat down beside him.

"I'm okay, just thinking about how different home will be now but this is a good thing and I know the Lord will be by your side keeping an eye on you when I can't be there to do that," His dad put his hand on his shoulder, "I'm proud of you son, you're going to do well here, I know it."

"Thanks dad." His dad nodded, pulling him into a quick hug before letting go with a pat on the back.

"Best get back, your mother will be wearing a hole into the carpet by now."

"Okay, let her know I'll be okay, yeah?"

"I'll do my best son, but you know your mom, she's a worrier."

"Yeah... I know," Sonny said, "I'll give her a call when I'm all unpacked." His dad nodded, they stood up and said their last few goodbyes and he left, leaving Sonny all alone in this brand new place he was supposed to call home. He sighed, he didn't know how well he'd be able to convince himself that he could call this place home.

  
Sonny was reading one of his textbooks, trying to get a little bit of a head start when his roommate walked in, the guy was loud and boisterous and Sonny felt a little intimidated. He didn't really say anything to Sonny, he just flashed him a smile and dumped his bags on his side of the room; he seemed to have less stuff than what Sonny brought with him but yet it still took up so much space, maybe it was because Sonny had already unpacked and flattened out the boxes, storing them under his bed until his dad comes back to take them home.

Sonny kept his eye on him, watching with interest as the guy started pulling out clothes from a duffle bag, leaving most disregarded on the floor, Sonny adverted his eyes when the guy started stripping, he guessed he should probably get used to that happening but he didn't know if he could, it didn't feel right getting unchanged in front of this guy he barely knew. Sonny was pretending to read his book, his eyes remaining unfocused on words he couldn't process; he was so out of his element right now.

"Are you ever going to turn the page or is that paragraph that interesting?" The guy said, he had some form of English accent, Sonny felt himself beginning to blush from being called out, he shut the book and took off his glasses.

"Think I've probably read enough anyway." Sonny said, looking over as his roommate pulled on a t-shirt.

"Good, we got places to go anyway."

"What?" Sonny checked his watch, it was late now, he hadn't made any plans to go anywhere and what he remembered from the schedule there was nothing for him to collect; him and his dad already picked up books, maps and his ID.

"Yeah, c'mon," The guy smiled at him, "First night of college, don't tell me you're going to spend it cooped up in here studying shit you don't even know is even gonna be on the curriculum."

"Well, actually..." Sonny did have a rough idea what was going to be in the course, he'd made sure to research and ask questions in advance.

"Don't bore me with some counter argument, man," His roommate said, "First night, we gotta do go out, it's like... the rules."

"The rules?"

"Yeah, back where I'm from we all get pissed, don't think my sister was sober for her first two weeks at Uni and I plan on following in her footsteps."

"I'm not going to stop you."

"But how can I show off my roomie if you ain't coming?"

"I don't even know your name?"

"Brandon," He said, "Brandon Greensmith, and you?"

"Sonny Carisi."

"There, now we know each other," Brandon was pulling on some shoes, "Let's go." Sonny sighed, he didn't really want to but one drink couldn't hurt.

"Fine."

"That's a lad, hurry up," Brandon said, "Ran into some guys on campus who are coming too." Sonny didn't even question why he wanted Sonny to go along is he already had people with him. Instead he pulled on some sneakers and a hoodie and followed Brandon out, they guy talking a mile a minute but Sonny wasn't really listening. He zoned out even further when he met the guys that Brandon had mentioned as he was dragged into a nearby bar.

  
It was nearly five in the morning and Sonny was exhausted as he lugged a completely wasted Brandon up the stairs and into the dorm, he helped him lay down on his bed and made sure there was a glass of water and a bucket near by for him, just incase. Sonny went to the bathroom to get changed into some sleepwear, still not feeling comfortable to change in front of Brandon despite him being passed out. He looked in the mirror and frowned, he just wanted to go home and he knew that this shitty dorm with his drunken roommate wasn't going to be that for him.

  
2.

  
Sonny was so excited to be home for the holidays, he thought that maybe he'd be able to get some decent sleep without Brandon trying to drag him out or waking him up at some ungodly hour; it was driving him mad and he really couldn't wait until he could move away from him. He was driving back with his dad and it felt so good to see him again, knowing that he will be able to actually spend a few weeks with everyone rather than a few hours during fleeting visits. It was nice to just be going home, he missed the homely feeling.

Pulling up into their drive made Sonny feel relieved, he was just excited to have a full house again, to be surrounded by the Carisi atmosphere again,college just lacked the constant buzz that his family provided; college buzz was too different and often overwhelming. They got out of the car and Sonny grabbed his bag from the back seat before following his dad to the front door, Sonny's heart fell into his stomach when the house was pretty much silent expect for his mom who was pulling him into a hug before the front door had even full shut; "Welcome home, sweetheart." She said, pressing kisses to his face.

"Thanks ma," He said, a nervous laugh attached to his voice as he looked around the empty hall, "Where is everyone?"

"Oh, yeah... Bella will be back any moment, she was just taking Sonny out for a walk and..." Sonny pulled back from the hug completely.

"She's taking _who_ for a walk?"

"Sonny, the dog." Sonny stared at his mom, then at his dad, completely stuck in disbelief.

"Did you forget that's my name?"

"Oh no, of course not," His mom said, "We just... it seemed a little quiet without you so..."

"You replaced me?"

"No, not exactly," His mom said, guiding him into the sitting room, "He's just a little something to help cheer the house up."

"But you gave him _my_ name, that's what I don't understand."

"He's... just a very happy dog, Sonny just worked so well." She said as they sat on the couch, Sonny put his bag on the floor.

"Come on son," His dad said, sitting in his usual armchair, at least somethings haven't changed, "Don't take it personally."

"Yeah," Sonny sighed, dropping the topic because he didn't come home to upset everyone, "Then where is Teresa and Gina?" 

"Gina is out with her friends and Teresa has a boyfriend she's been staying with."

 _"Boyfriend?"_ Sonny was shocked, nobody had mentioned anything like this to him; he'd been home five minutes and already he was learning so much about things he should have been told much earlier.

"Yeah, she's been with him nearly a month now," His mother said, smiling, "He's a lovely boy, you'll probably be meeting him while you're home, he comes over a lot too, attached to each others hips."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" Sonny asked, "I only went to college, I wasn't that far away?"

"We didn't want to bother you with trivial things?" Sonny scoffed and stood up.

"Trivial things?" He said, "What's so trivial about my sister having a boyfriend who she seems to be pretty serious about, serious enough that she's practically living with him."

"It wasn't my place to say, she'd old enough to tell you these things herself and..."

"That's bullshit, ma." 

"Dominick," His dad snapped, "Language, don't speak to your mother like that."

"Sorry, ma," Sonny said, sighing as he put his hands on his hips, "But it's true, you never keep anything to yourself, you told everyone in our family when I first kissed a girl, and that wasn't something _I_ wanted everyone to know... you even told everyone the first time you caught me with my hands down my pants and that was humiliating, so don't tell me that it wasn't your place to say when it's never stopped you before."

"Whoa... what have I walked into?" Everyone turned to see Bella standing in the doorway to the sitting room, a bundle of fluffy squeezing past her to run into the room, jumping up at Sonny in excited curiosity. He wanted to hate the dog for stealing his place in the family but staring into his big puppy eyes made him melt and he was immediately dropping to his knees to pet him properly.

"Your brother is just complaining that he didn't know Teresa had a boyfriend." Sonny frowned, his mother made it sound like it was nothing.

"Oh..." The room started to get a little awkward, the air felt heavy and Sonny couldn't deal with it.

"I'm gonna go to my room, put my stuff away." He said, standing up much to the disappointment of Other-Sonny.

"Okay, your sisters will be home for dinner, thought we could all go out," His mother said, passing him his bag, "Also, there's a few things in your room, just for now, just work around them." 

"Sure." Sonny took his bag, he didn't say anything else to either of them because he didn't know what to say. Bella and Other-Sonny followed him up the stairs and to his room, he struggled to open his door and when he did, his jaw dropped at the sight of the many boxes and bags of god-knows-what that practically filled every physical space there was, besides his bed.

"I'm sorry," Bella said, "They said it wouldn't be for long but it's been a month now, they've just been using your room for storage."

"I've been gone for a few months and they're already removing me?" Sonny asked, kicking one of the boxes aside so that he could walk to his bed, Bella and Other-Sonny close behind; the dog jumping on the bed, tail wagging happily as Sonny and Bella sat with him.

"They're not replacing you."

"How do you explain him then?" Sonny said, smiling softly as the dogs tongue lolled out of his mouth, his tail wagging slowly as Sonny dug his fingers behind his ears in slow massage movements, "He has my name."

"Yeah, okay, that... that's kinda my fault."

"Huh?"

"When we first met him he was just this bundle of energy, he was so happy and bouncy and I said how he reminded me of you," Bella said, petting Other-Sonny too, "Mom took that as a sign to call him Sonny, I didn't say anything because I really missed you."

"That's sweet Bells," Sonny smiled at his sister, "I miss you too."

"I'm glad your home for a while," She said, smiling back, "I'm sorry that nobody told you about Teresa, I thought mom would have which is why I didn't, I thought she would have told you about Sonny too."

"It's not your fault, it's okay."

"Was it true that mom caught you with your pants down and told everyone." Sonny laughed for the first time since he got home, shoving his sister lightly.

"Shut up."

"And here I was, thinking you were a good little Catholic boy." Sonny's laughter turned a little awkward.

"I try, but I feel like there's a few things I will have to ask God for forgiveness for," His shoulders slumped, "I hope he can find it in his heart to look past some of my sins."

"Whatever it is, he'll have forgiven you," Bella put her hand on his knee, smiling at him widely, full of childish enthusiasm, "It would go against him to hold things against you, plus... don't tell ma, but some of these rules are a little out dated, don't you agree?"

"I guess, it's sorta easier to pray for forgiveness and go to confession then dwell on the fact these rules aren't made for modern days." Bella laughed, it was carefree but Sonny knew she understood.

"I guess you're right," She hugged Sonny tightly, "I'm glad you're home."

"I'm glad too." Sonny said, hugging her back, he was only half telling the truth; this whole visit has been shit until Bella came home, he'd only been back an hour. He sighed into her shoulder, it might feel back to normal soon.

  
A week into his stay at home and Sonny found that he was _missing_ college, his older sisters were like passing ships and Teresa's boyfriend was nice but it felt awkward having them both over, almost like he had taken Sonny's place; he even took Sonny's chair at their dinner table, Sonny was left to sit on the stool they only brought out if a cousin was staying over or something, but now it was seemingly his new seat. Then there was Other-Sonny, he was everywhere, it was getting confusing when they'd shout their name because Sonny couldn't tell who they were after which meant that people were starting to call him Dominick, he hated it.

He was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, it was early hours of the morning and Other-Sonny was sleeping at the foot of his bed, it was comforting in a way to have him snoring softly. Sonny couldn't stop thinking about how this didn't feel like home, it didn't feel like _his_ home anymore, it was just his parents place, he felt guilty for thinking like that but he couldn't help it, he couldn't get over the feeling of unease being here; his room was storage, his sisters were always out, a boyfriend _and_ a dog took his place... this wasn't home.

3.

  
 _"Just fuck off!"_ The words were ringing around Sonny's head as he walked around the city, not really going anywhere in particular, he just couldn't be in that flat right now. He was living in Los Angeles, he'd only been living here a month and he felt like such an outsider but he thought the feeling would disappear with time but he didn't know how much time he had left to give because his patience was wearing thin and he could tell that Sloan's was pretty much gone too.

That's his girlfriend, they'd been dating for nearly a year and they met through mutual friends. Sloan was a LA police officer and she was great at her job, she was feisty and Irish and Sonny was blown away by her fighting nature, never taking no for an answer. She was magnificent and she was a Catholic which put her in good stead with his parents, their relationship started quickly and it was fiery and everything about their relationship was passionate but now everything he loved about Sloan he hated; she was stubborn, argumentative and couldn't form an apology to save her life.

It was upsetting, Sonny really thought they were going to be 'Sonny and Sloan' forever, he thought he'd marry her but he couldn't even _live_ with her. The first week had been brilliant and, looking back, Sonny realised that it was probably because they spent most of it in the bedroom 'celebrating' and now he was walking by himself after Sloan kicked him out. He couldn't even remember what the argument had started about, something so trivial probably because she was good at picking fights over nothing, but it had grown quickly due to Sonny's own argumentative and defensive nature, turning explosive when Sloan threw a plate at him, narrowly missing, and told him to fuck off.

Sonny put his hands in his pockets, he was tired, he was far away from where he was comfortable in Staten Island and he only moved to help her career, he's just being left in her shadow and this was exactly what he was scared of, he was in a standstill when it came to work, he was a patrol officer on Staten Island for a while and then got into the Special Victims Unit there and that sparked something inside him, he mentioned to Sloan that he wanted to work in SVU and she had promised that she was told there was an opening coming soon within the LA department. Sonny took her word for it, put in his notice and moved halfway across America with his girlfriend only to find out she was lying just to get him to agree which is what started the tension between them.

He should start heading back soon, he'd been walking around for the past four hours, Sloan should be calm by now and he knew he needed to talk with her, if not tonight then tomorrow; it was time to air out their problems and see what's going to happen with their relationship and where it's even going because Sonny felt like he was stuck in a rut he couldn't get out of. He turned back and started heading towards the apartment.

Sloan was drunk when he got home, already passed out in the bed and Sonny hated that he made her do this. He tucked her in and thought about sleeping on the sofa until she grabbed at his arm, a muttered plea for him not to go passing through her lips and she sounded so tearful. Sonny stripped down to his underwear, pulled on some sleep pants and then got under the covers beside her, holding her close to him and it was the first time Sonny noticed it felt a little awkward now, like they no longer fit together. 

He cried until he fell asleep.

The next morning he was surprised to see Sloan still in bed, nursing a cup of coffee beside him. She was starting down at Sonny, she looked so sad and Sonny knew it was time to talk to her, "Sloan..." He said sitting up.

"There's a coffee for you." She said, Sonny turned to look at his bedside table and picked up the mug she had made him.

"Babe, look... we need to talk." Sonny felt tense, scared about how she'd react but instead she just nodded.

"Yeah, I know."

"I don't think this is working... I don't think _we're_ working anymore." There, he said it and it made him want to throw up, he hated it.

"Do you think we can fix it?" She was smiling sadly, tears in her eyes, her accent thicker like it does when she's upset, Sonny did his best to smile back.

"I want to say yes, I want to say yes so badly because I love you, I really do but..."

"You're not in love with me," She said, "I understand because I think I'm in the same boat, I don't think we can survive this and if we try... we're going to hate each other or hurt each other... I threw a plate at you."

"You missed."

"I shouldn't have done it." Sonny shrugged.

"Water under the bridge."

"Thanks," She took a sip of her coffee, "But where do we go from here?"

"I should probably move out, I'll call my sisters, one of them will let me stay with them."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I dragged you over here and for what?" Sloan started crying, Sonny put his coffee down and took her mug from her and placed it elsewhere too, holding her close, kissing her forehead.

"No, don't say that, the time we've had together was fantastic," Sonny said, rubbing his arm soothingly, "I've loved every second I've been with you, but all I want is for you to be happy and I can't do that anymore."

"Sonny, baby, please..." She was sobbing now, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

"You are going to achieve everything you have ever dreamt of, and I'll always be there for you just not as your boyfriend," He wiped away her tears, "I'll always have your back and I'll support you in everything you ever want to do, I promise."

"Really?" Her sobs quietened down a little.

"Yes," He smiled at her, "You mean so much to me and this break up doesn't mean we have to stop being friends." Sloan nodded.

"Yeah... I guess," She wiped at her eyes and kissed his jaw, "Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for."

"We're doing the right thing, aren't we?"

"Yeah, we are."

"Then why does it hurt so much?"

"Because the right things don't always mean they have to feel good." Sloan didn't answer, she just hugged him tighter.

  
Teresa picked him up that night, it was a bit of a sad sight really, Sonny only had a plastic bin liner of clothes and a few small boxes of miscellaneous shit and a backpack of textbooks and other work related crap. He was crying as soon as his sister got out of the car, for once she was sweet towards him, not a teasing word in sight as she held him and let him cry into her shoulder. 

The journey to Teresa's house was quiet, Sonny wasn't in the mood to talk, he just couldn't stop thinking about Sloan, about how he thought being with her would be final; he thought he found home but, the trip back to Staten Island just went to show that he was wrong, again.

  
4.

  
Teresa's house was crazy, there was always someone over and she was so loud, he'd only stayed there for eight months, he was working in SVU again, first at Brooklyn for a few months then he got a transfer to Queens but he was only there for two weeks when they said there was an opening for Manhattan if he was interested. Sonny took the chance and started looking for flats to rent that wasn't too far and found one in his price range; his sister and her current boyfriend helped him move in the little amount of stuff that he had, plus some things they had given him. Sonny was excited, it was a fresh start all by himself.

He was beginning to worry that he'd never move out of his sisters place, not because he had fallen comfortable because he wasn't really, but because nothing had really been working out for him. Since his break up he'd stayed friends with Sloan, they'd grown closer as friends and at one point he genuinely thought that they were going to get back together but then she mentioned she had a new boyfriend, someone from work and that he was great. Sonny didn't know what was worse, the fact Sloan had moved on or the fact he was kinda relieved they weren't going to try again. After Sloan had told him her news that made his mind up for him; take the job, get a new flat and start again.

The first few weeks at work were kinda awkward, they threw him in at the deep end and he realised was totally inexperienced and he kept accidently clashing with Benson because he was always so damn argumentative, he didn't mean to be he was just so used to having to defend himself that he was doing it subconsciously now, not to mention he kept saying the wrong things at the wrong time, he really had no filter between his brain and his mouth. Going to Church on a Sunday helped, he was getting used to his parish, the priest was welcoming and listened to his confessions and advised him well; it helped a lot.

Sonny had been working there for several months now, everyone was warming up to him, he was hanging out at Amanda's apartment a lot now, she was nice and funny and his parents were convinced they were going to fall in love and get married, Sonny wanted to believe them but then he met someone else at work, someone short and sassy, who didn't seem to give a shit about anything but was a killer in the courtroom. Rafael Barba walked into that precinct and Sonny's heterosexuality walked right out.

It was hard, trying to come to terms with these feelings, he'd been able to ignore them for years but the first time he touched himself over the thought of Barba bent over the desk in his office while Sonny fucked him into next week, he was running straight to his church and into the confession. He expected advice on how to expel and resist these thoughts but instead he was given teachings that helped him feel more content; if God wasn't disappointed in him, then why should Sonny be disappointed in himself? He was thankful for them, because now he was sure that Barba liked him too and it made him feel hot under the collar as he waited for Barba to ask him out.

Amanda was laughing at something on the TV while Sonny cooked up a simple chicken Florentine pasta dish in her kitchen, this was becoming a regular thing, he was half tempted to ask if he could just move in and be her roommate since he spent more time here than at his own place but he knew it wouldn't feel right, he liked being here but he liked going back to his own apartment. Sonny smiled when she laughed again, draining the pasta through a colander into her sink, and then there was silence as the TV was muted and Amanda ran into the kitchen, nearly skidding on the tiles in her socks; "Sonny."

"Whoa, watch it," He said, dropping the colander into the skin, thankful only a few pieces of pasta fell out, he turned to face her, "What's wrong?" She held out his phone, he could hear it vibrating.

"It's Barba." Sonny had never grabbed his phone so fast before in his life, pressing answer before it could call through.

"Hello?" Rafael laughed and Sonny felt his knees go weak.

"Thought I was going to get your voicemail, that would have been embarrassing."

"Oh no, I just didn't have my phone on me, left it in the sitting room and I'm in the kitchen."

"Are you busy?" Rafael sounded a little disappointed, Sonny looked at the mostly prepared food and shook his head even though he knew Barba couldn't see him.

"No, not at all, what's up?" Sonny tried to not sound too excited.

"I know it's late and this must seem really out of the blue but," Rafael took a deep breath and Sonny realised he was holding in his, "Do you want to grab something to eat? Maybe go for a drink?"

"Now?"

"Now, if you'd like to that is." Rafael sounded nervous and Sonny wanted to scream, he looked at Amanda who was watching him with great interest.

"I'd like that, yeah, that would be nice."

"Okay, yeah, good, that's great."

"Uh, I gotta ask... is this... is this a date?" Amanda grabbed his arm, hand over her mouth as she waited for the answer.

"Yeah, I'm asking you out on a date, is that okay?"

"Yes, that's very much okay, yeah, okay, uh, when and where?" Barba gave him the address for a nice sounding restaurant, he told him that it was pretty casual and then said he'd see him soon. As soon as he had hung up he was screaming with Amanda and it reminded him so much of his sisters when they were teenagers; he finally understood why they acted that way about boys. Amanda grabbed at him, pulling him into her room and grabbed out a few jumpers and shirts that he had at hers, settling on a thin, black turtle neck jumper that well with the jeans he was already wearing. He apologised about the meal but Amanda didn't care, she was too busy pushing him out of the door.

Barba was already there when Sonny turned up, the other man looking nervous as if he almost didn't believe that Sonny would come but he smiled so softly when Sonny sat opposite him, it made his heart catch in his throat at how beautiful he looked. They spent the evening talking, getting to know the people they are outside of work, Sonny surprised himself with how much he was actually able to talk, he didn't think there was much of him that didn't revolve around work, and it was nice to learn about Rafael and not just ADA Barba. He could feel his phone vibrate in his pocket, knowing it was Amanda demanding updates, he ignored it.

The date lasted hours but also didn't last long enough and soon Barba was walking him back to his apartment block, Sonny wanted to invite him in but didn't want to seem to eager on the first date, instead he managed to bag another date by offering to cook for Rafael at his place at the weekend which was enough suggestion that he was planning on staying the night and Barba had zero complaints at that. 

When they reached Sonny's apartment block, Rafael pulled him into a soft kiss and thanked him for a brilliant evening. Sonny felt like his head was spinning, he kissed Rafael one more time before they parted ways and Sonny practically floated up the stairs and to his apartment. He walked in and dropped his keys into the bowl, toeing off his shoes and hanging up his coat, he replied to Amanda's texts, saying he was tired and would explain more at work tomorrow which was enough to satisfy her. 

After the texts stopped coming through, he realised how quiet his apartment was. At first he welcomed it because it meant he could hear his own thoughts where he couldn't at Teresa's and he could just be by himself like he couldn't when he was Amanda's but now it was too quiet and it still felt impersonal. He'd been living there for six months now and he still didn't feel at home, something was missing but he couldn't tell what it was. Sonny felt like he was still just renting a place to sleep and in a way he guessed he was, this couldn't be his home and he knows now that it probably won't be.

5.

  
Rafael had surprised him with a key to his apartment seven months into dating, it made sense for them to move in since Sonny spent most of his time there anyway and, like Rafael said, he was just wasting money by renting a place he was barely at. Their relationship was strong, it felt so different to how it did when he was dating Sloan, how it did when he dated anyone before him and Sonny was kinda surprised, he never thought he'd be able to live a happy life with another man and he was even more surprised at how well his parents took his coming out but he thinks that was down to Rafael being nothing but the perfect gentleman; they was really upset that he wasn't going to end up with Amanda but after they met Rafael they struggled to fault him.

That was two months ago, they'd been living together happily since then and life felt pretty damn wonderful, Rafe even accompanied him to church once in awhile to get to know everyone and there were very few who had an issue with them, it was almost overwhelming at how well everyone in his life was accepting him since he'd always been so sacred of being who he was and now he had the support from his co-workers, from his family and even from his church, support he never thought he'd ever get.

Being with Rafael was unlike anything he had ever experienced before, things started at a steady pace, their second date when Sonny stayed the night was very different to how he stayed the night with Sloan, with her it was just pure sex but with Rafael it was soft touches and kisses that set his skin on fire; the sex coming a few months later which was definitely was worth the wait because it was _breath taking._ The man was unreal and even after five months of sleeping together, Rafeal still found new ways to surprise Sonny.

They were learning more about each other, Rafael told Sonny about his complicated relationship with sex and emotions, how he couldn't have one without the other and later in life learnt how he was probably demisexual, and he also helped Sonny understand his weird relationship with his gender, figuring out that he was nonbinary and Rafael just accepted him and helped him figure out what felt best for him. Sonny introduced him to Sloan who was married now and Sonny thought he would feel some form of bitterness that he couldn't make this work with her but he didn't because when he turned to look at Rafael, laughing at a joke that Sloan had made he realised that all he really cared about was the man in front of him.

Sonny left his apartment, it only took a few days to clear out his apartment and put a few coats of white paint onto the walls, and Rafael helped him move his stuff into his place; he'd cleared out some draws and made space in the closet which felt amazing to Sonny, he finally felt like a grown up relationship this time. They made a day of it, rearranging things to fit in the little amount of stuff that Sonny brought with him and Barba even threw out some of his own stuff, like his old coffee table, to replace them with the things from Sonny's place which helped it feel more homely, like he wasn't moving into Barba's place but into their _home._

Almost. It _almost_ felt that way.

Something was still missing and he couldn't figure out what it was, he was living with the man of his dreams, he felt safe and content with him and he knew there was nobody else he'd feel like this for. There was nobody who would support and help him that way Rafael did, so why did he still feel out of place? Over the past two months they managed to remove some stuff that Rafael had bought himself and replaced them with things they bought together, they cooked together most nights, Sonny would go with him to spend evenings with Liv and Rafael would go with them to visit Amanda, and it all felt amazing; Rafael was a private guy who liked space but sonny quickly realised that this excluded him because as soon as they were together, Rafael would cling onto him and almost refused to let go. Sonny loved it.

Only Rafael wasn't home right now, Sonny went to visit him after his shift finished to go see if he was ready to go home but Rafael sighed, apologising that he wouldn't be home for awhile because he had too much work to try and get through and he really didn't want to bring it home with him. Sonny didn't think much of it, even before they got together he knew Rafe would stay late at his office to try and get notes written up, recently it's been so he'd spend less time with his head in his papers and more time with Sonny.

However, this was his first time being alone in the apartment since he'd moved in and he never realised how big it was, it was bigger than any place he ever lived besides his parents, and with all this space it made it difficult to settle on something to do, cooking felt pointless without Rafe, he couldn't settle on a film or a show and putting on albums just made the front room echo. Sonny thought about calling Amanda, maybe going over to visit her but they wanted to be home for when Rafael got back. They really didn't want Rafe to have spent most of his day alone or in meetings and then have to come back to an empty apartment.

Sonny looked around the apartment, he was lying on the sofa with the TV off, a wine glass on the table next to an unopened bottle because drinking alone is just depressing now he's experienced drinking with Rafe, he was contemplating getting a cat; a little German Rex or maybe just go down to the shelter and get a rescue. He was sure he'd be able to sweet talk Barba into agreeing, they had him wrapped around his little finger in a way. They sighed, a cat wouldn't fix things, it'd be cute but it wasn't the company he was after, he just wanted this apartment to feel like home again.

They glanced at the wall clock, Rafe must be finishing up soon, it was getting really late now and Sonny was a little fed up of being here by himself and that worried me. He couldn't stop but wonder if this was going to be another Sloan situation again only instead of them clashing and fighting all the time, maybe Sonny was just beginning to get bored? Maybe being with Barba was exciting but actually living with him just wasn't cutting it anymore? 

He sat up, nearly falling of the sofa as he did so because what the _fuck_ was he thinking? This relationship meant more to him than anything in this world, he was just having difficulty being by himself in this place, that's all, or... at least he hoped that's what's going on here. He's not used to being alone so this place doesn't really feel like home right now, that's it, everything between him and Rafael is perfect and... Sonny needed to see him, he needed the reassurance. 

Sonny was still pulling on his sneakers as he ran to the elevators.

+1

Sonny kept his head down and his hands in his pockets as he walked towards Barba's office, his hands stuffed in his hoodie pocket as he tried to avoid eye contact with the few remaining stragglers who were leaving for their homes. They knew they looked a mess, their hair wasn't styled since he showered when he got in, he was wearing sweatpants and he knew they had the most pathetic look on their face and they made their way to their boyfriends office. Carmen had already been sent home for the day, Sonny was a little sad because she was always so sweet to him but it was nearing ten o'clock now so he understood why she wasn't there.

He waited a moment, looking at the door before knocking on it and walking in, during the day he'd ask Carmen if there was any reason why he couldn't go into Barba's office but on a night Sonny just saw it as fair game. Rafael was putting some papers into a folder when he entered, he turned around, his frown from being disturbed turned into a smile at the sight of Sonny and Sonny felt instantly relieved, "Hey you."

"Hey," Sonny said, shutting the door, "Sorry for turning up unannounced." Rafael shook his head.

"Don't apologise, I was just thinking of you."

"You were?"

"Yeah," Barba leant against his desk, "I was missing you, was just packing up to come home, so it's nice you're here," Rafe smiled at him, "Means we can go back together."

"That's cute," Sonny smiled, "I was missing you too, it's why I came down here." Sonny walked towards Rafe, still feeling guilty from his thoughts earlier.

"Are you okay?" Rafael said, meeting Sonny half way, "You look a little down."

"I'll be fine, just... a weird day." Sonny said, feeling better now he was closer to Rafe, they took their hands out of their hoodie pocket and pulled their boyfriend close, wrapping his arms around his neck and threading his fingers through his hair; when Rafael wrapped his arms around his wait, Sonny thought he could cry.

Neither of them spoke, they didn't need to, Rafe just held him tightly, rocking them slowly and Sonny felt whole. He couldn't help but think back to what his dad said back when he first moved out of the family home, how there wasn't a single place that felt like home until he shared it with his mother and then it hit him, his dad never said that and it really had nothing to do with the place they lived or who they shared it with really, it was all about the person.

Sonny never had a home at college because Brandon wasn't really anything but an issue with him, every roommate he had after him were the same, they were just people to split the rent with. He could barely remember them, they weren't friends either and he didn't really remember them either, or what the places looked like after he moved out of student halls because they were temporary, just somewhere to rest his head and store his textbooks in until he powered through college and onto the next part of his life.

Then, going back to what he always thought as home changed, it wasn't right and that because the people who lived there had changed. They were growing up and spending less time there, they practically replaced him and he realised that his family were just doing what he had been doing, trying to make where they lived feel like home again and he guessed it worked, his parents having never moved despite their kids moving on. It was _their_ home, not his.

Although, Sonny was convinced that Sloan was their home, he felt content and happy with her but it all changed when they made it to LA. Fights and threats being thrown around on bad days, good days showing themselves less and less until, eventually, they broke it off. She feels different now, when she travelled to Manhattan with her husband to meet Rafe, it all felt so different, Sloan looked at her partner like she had found everything she was looking for and Sonny really hoped he looked the same way when they look at Rafael. Sloan felt different to him now, she made him happy but everything was so different.

Living by himself didn't work, he spent more time out of the apartment than inside because his friends made him feel better than the emptiness of being alone, it only ever felt like a home during the rare times Rafael would stay the night. Now he's with the man of his dreams, everything he could have ever wanted in a person who listened to him and help him discover things about themselves that he'd been struggling with for longer than he realised. That's why being at the apartment alone felt weird, because Rafael was what made it feel like a home, it wasn't about decorating or swapping coffee tables or choosing a sofa together, it was about the way Rafael made him feel.

Sonny held him closer, sighing at the way Rafe did the same. He feels so safe with Barba, being in his arms made him feel so safe; "Should we go home?" Rafael whispered, trying to not break the tender moment they found themselves in.

"I think I'm already there."


End file.
